Yela's

Last Friday our group
had planned to go to visit 文昌帝君, and we did go
there and pray outside of it due to the large crowd.
Do you know what I begged him for? I was told that
I needed to introduce myself then told him my wish.
Then I sincerely introduced myself and asked him to
keep my 'perseverance' and 'diligence' with me when
they are what I'm lacking of. And also the 'determination'
to prevail over the temptation to sleep and rest.

I wonder how one could have studied math two hours everyday from
11 p.m. to 2 in the morning like what Pearl told us about.
I just can't hold it, I fall asleep easily and can't force
myself to stay up just a little bit late. I'm just too lazy.

I owe my English ability to the 'freshman' me, I
was a loner and lived for studying English. I didn't have
lunch and breakfast, which saved me a lot of time, and
back then, I didn't care a damn about what others thought
about me. So I'd improved at high speed then when I
shared with myself alone. But everything's different now!
I dare not do and say what I want like what I did before.
Is it appropriate that I act like living alone, just as
what I'd been doing before? I used to care about nothing
but myself, and I scarcely smiled to jokes and join the class.
And I was in great resentment all the time. But I can't be so any more.
I've got friends who care about my behavior and showing up.
I've got 'classmates' who notice what I'm holding up. All
these make me unsuitable for following the way I used to
walk on. It's really contradictory and  I'm standing at the
crossroads where I'm stuck stranded.

I feel kinda hate myself when I more or less care about
much more than what I did before. I ridicule myself for
not having the guts to do as what I did before. I hope nobody
recognizes me. And I hope I see nobody. I hate social stuff!
To be frank, I don't want to go to school every morning
I wake up. And then I drag my feet to the bus stop and try to
make the day full. I want to do whatever I want and not to be
affected, by people, by the standard that most people live up to.
I'm not strange when I do what others don't do, but they talk, they
talk about it, talk about my motive doing what's so against the normal.
I hate it, it disgusts me!!!!

Now I hate to have lunch when I spend the time with my
group. They don't listen to me, they don't talk interestingly,
and they bore me. And days after having eaten alone, I tried to  again
eat with them. But I was always disappointed and regretted
my thought of eating with them happily and vividly.

Ya know, you can't expect people to be exactly what
you want. But they are far more than what I've expected.
So I'd rather be with myself and silence when with them,
there's still myself and the silence's still. Alas...

I'm too cynical