Learn English with English, baby!

Join for FREE!

Social_nav_masthead_logged_in

firsT bLog

gitzuL

gitzuL

Indonesia

  •  1 2
  • Subscribe to my RSS

November 29, 2009

d'u ever feel like u wanna just disappear?!?! u just wanna hide with no looking back, running away like a coward..!? have no responsibility to care of or people to consider of. Gee! Lots time i hate myself..but i do hate them too!!

 

astagfirullah...i blame them for what i feel now. i've become numb, i can barely feel anything. even if i feel something, it will fade, wont last long..i feel angry just for a moment, and then i'll be numb again, empty..lost and confused. i know myself. i have so many weaknesses! i am strong, but in the same time, i am not more than a weak coward..

'this' condition makes me reluctant to behave towards whomever! even in this blog-which probably is unreadable on not--i CANT tell exactly what my problem is. i'm afraid that someone will read it even if they dont know me and i dont know them, but still its...its not right.. i dont want to be blessed by other's pity on me! i wanna have someone who can see clearly and encourage me to keep facing what i'm dealing with wisely..even i know, the most powerful motivation is from myself and from Allah of course.

i cant tell my mom,even if i want to. i cant tell my sisters either. what happened last few years changed everything, changed us mostly in my life and my sisters'.

i can hide it, i can hide what i suffer deep inside my smiles, my laugh..but at some point i cant fight myself when it's become too hard to handle. i teach myself not to blow up my temper nor show my emotion which sometimes make friends of mine confused.

 

gee!how i wish i be alone! it seems sometimes i wanna live a different life, with different destiny and people. then would i be the same person as i am???

i realize none understands me fully, not even my mom. i dont complain that.

my shoulder is where friends cry on, why cant my younger sister do it to me? i' a good listener for my friends, but why cant my younger let me listen to her??

i always try to be good sister. but its hard when u find someone whom you give ur attention seem not need it, or worse she doesnt want it.

i cant blame anyone. those 'unwanted' things befell us. what i regret is i wasnt wisely sensitive. if only i knew what's coming. i'm sorry for not take good enough care for my sister, younger sister. i wonder if she loves me or not.

 i try to get her back. i guess when we got wrecked spot, we gotta move as one. i wanna feel like i have sisters, because i do HAVE two. i'm freaking jealous when hear or look two blooded sisters enjoy their time.

what happened to my family makes me swear in heart that if one day i give birth to a child, i shall not let him/her lack of anything, not even a glance. i'll encourage my child's heart so he/she can get used to face problems. i shall teach him/her always the thruth. i shall not make him/her feel alone.

and it is curved in my mind that i can raise my child alone if i have to. sometimes i hate men so badly till i curse them, disgrace them unrespectfully.

who can protest?

 

 

05:24 PM Nov 29 2009

julywidiawati
Indonesia

Sorry I read your blog, why don't you share your problem on your pray, writing won't help.

October 3, 2009

on last Sept 13th 2009, i came to my 1st elementary-school reunion. and there i met my 1st crush! >_<

It's been over 6 years until we meet again, its like time stopped and reran right when we were about 8 years old..when we were at elementary school, 'this boy' told his friend that he liked me. and its unlucky for him having such wide opened-mouth friend. his friend told me. from there,all began. i started paying attention on him, a sneaky glance each day, a stare another ones..then i felt i had a crush on him. i just cant figure out what he was finding in me. i mean, i used to be a fat short girl with dark skin plus curly skin, i liked screaming and pointing people to do something(damn so bossy). even my mom barely could see me in the dark, but she always says that i'm pretty..(she's my mom,though?!)  so,what is it? i've been obviously wondering why...??i mean, if u were intimidated by stabbing-stares, screamed for no reasons, ordered by someone to do many things when u dont even know why it had to be you to, u would hope to kill that person, right? instead having crush...

when we met again, i felt so excited.we took a lot of pictures, laughing at the past time...my friends teased us as if we still had same feeling, which we dont. its funny to re-remember that nostalgia, makes you realize how different u r now..

well, i enjoyed it so much Smile

September 12, 2009

on wednesday, September 2nd 2009, i had experience one big thing for me. that was the first time i was sitting on 7.3 Ritcher scaled earthquake! it's so weird..and i felt frightened, scared that i cant live again nor see my mom.. i got something from that day, that one day in future when Allah decides, there'll be the day of Judgment..

and thus, only He who could save us or punish us..

Allahu Akbar

06:51 AM Sep 12 2009

AL Kindi

AL Kindi
United Arab Emirates

yeah agree with u, i have experienced that too but it wasn’t strong earthquake  it was 3 or 4 rector, I felt scared too even if its little Shaking. It feels like u are Sinking in the sea.ah thank god that u are ok, god gave u another life and anther chance to live :).hope u don’t experience that again :D