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plz,correct my story

cute_ahmed

Oman

hi every one

how are you ?

first i want to say merry christmas to you and to all your family :)

i know it's too late , but not problem :)

 

yeah, I have some problem with english, because that sometimes I want your help please :)

I wrote this story for small children , and I want from you to correct my story,grammer , vocabulary and the way of writing

i've upload the file

http://www.zshare.net/download/59463613d327bf/

 

thank you for your helping

byeee

 

11:00 AM Dec 27 2007 |

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cute_ahmed

Oman

NO ONE :( !!!

06:47 PM Dec 27 2007 |

Lesmundo2003

Spain

Would like to see, but I don't use PC, so I cannot see.

If you show here, my Macintosh will see & I'll see  :))


Then maybe I can help you. Ok?


A possible reason why you don't get much help, is that people are afraid of downloading from strangers – possible virus threats. Don't take it too badly.


Have a nice new year  :))


01:50 PM Dec 28 2007 |

cute_ahmed

Oman

dear, thank you for your advice, and not problem if you can't help me

 this is my story

"

Once upon a time on a duty plain, where acacia and mimosa trees grew there lived an old lion king. In this kingdom every animal worked hard to make sure that theirs was the great kingdom. After many years the king died. His son and heir, a selfish cub, began his rule.The young cub greedy, dissatisfied with other animals pessimistic about the future of his kingdom. Each animal hate him from the beginning. He selected giraffe as his secretary; plain giraffe was always angry and didn’t want to work. He even hated his job, but the new king forced him to continue.One day Buck was sick. Elephant went to the royal lair to ask the king to help Buck, but the king roared “IF HE WANTS HELP LET HIM COME TO ME. HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I GO TO HIM AND BESIDES, I AM NOT A DOCTER!”Elephant ponderously returned to Buck. Buck lay helplessly on the ground. Elephant sent Hoopoe to fetch doctor Hippopotamus. He administered a herbal mixture. In with in few days Buck recovered in the mean time back at the walked away angrily as he would never trick his fellow animals into being eating by king lion.Lion asked for help, but all the animals ignored him. Elephant trumpeted “If you had been kinder to other they would be prepared to help you now”.

Lion realized that if he had not been so selfish, he would not be in this situation. He hoped Dr. Hippopotamus would take pity on him."

when i gave this story to my teacher in this place he wrote "something vital is missing here " !!!!

because that i put my story here to help me, i know all my friends will help me :)

thank you

take care

byeee

02:32 PM Dec 28 2007 |

Lesmundo2003

Spain


 


This needs a lot of work.

I'll give you a few suggestions & then you do a re-write. Then after that I give you other suggestions. You have many mistakes & the story has no real structure. I think this exercise is above your level, but my 1st suggestions will be at your level.


When you get to a higher level, think of this simple rule.

A story must have 3 sections:

1 – a start – the intro – to the place & the characters, as well as the main story

2 – a middle – the main reason for the story – the action, the emotion etc

3 – an ending – a conclusion that is good or bad, happy or sad, but something that says this story is over.


Draw up a plan for the story, before you actually write the story.


Ok – your level.

As you write in English, a simple tool is a spell-checker.

Another simple tool is a reference – loads of books – see how the published authors lay out a page. Keep to the same font & size & colour. It looks messy, as a story, to read with your way. Think of the reader.


Ok – that was just for format.

Your grammar needs work, but your teacher will continue with that.


"Something vital is missing here"

This refers to descriptions of the scene, the characters & even the introduction of a new character.

For instance – "One day Buck was sick" – who was Buck? There was no understanding who or what he was. This should have been mentioned as soon as Buck was introduced. What is his relationship to the story? You cannot just jump straight in.


As I said, this is only the start of helping you. It has to be done in stages, for you to learn & understand fully. I hope you can appreciate that.


Good luck  :-)


 

06:05 PM Jan 01 2008 |

dhaumya

India

 I'm telling you your mistakes

and passimstic

hated him

Must tell who is Buck

Doctor

with in a few days, no In in front

Buck recovered, comma is needed but the whole sentence doesn't make any sense

kinder to others 

 

06:59 AM Jan 02 2008 |

cute_ahmed

Oman

really i don't know what to say Embarassed

thank you for your advise and helping

lesmundo2003,dhaumya and sweta

really i Embarassed

 i rewrite this story before seeing your adivse

 

Once upon a time on a dirty plain, where acacia and mimosa trees grew there lived an old lion king.
In this kingdom everyone worked hard to develop their kingdom.
 After few years the king died. His son heir, a selfish cub, began his rule.The greedy young cub dissatisfied with other animals pessimistic about the future of his kingdom. Everyone hated him. He chose the giraffe to be his secretary; plain giraffe was always angry and didn’t want to work. It even hated it job, but the king forced it to continue.One day a Buck was sick. Elephant went to the royal lair to ask the king to help the Buck, but the king roared “IF HE NEED HELP LET HIM COME TO ME. HOW DARE YOU SUGGEST THAT I GO TO HIM, BESIDE, I AM NOT A DOCTOR!”Elephant ponderously returned to the Buck. The Buck lay helplessly on the ground. The Elephant sent Hoopoe to fetch doctor Hippopotamus. He administered a herbal mixture. Within in few days the Buck recovered. In the mean time back at the royal lair, king lion had summoned Porcupine to bring him animals to eat. Porcupine flatly refused. The in a rage smacked him. A quill stuck in his paw. The lion roared in agony. Porcupine walked away angrily as he would never trick his fellow animals into being eating by the lion.

Lion asked for help, but all the animals ignored him. The Elephant trumpeted “If you had been kinder to other they would never hesitate to help you”. Lion realized that if he had not been so selfish, he would not be in this situation. He hoped Dr. Hippopotamus would take pity on him.

thaaaaanx aloooooooooooot :)

07:03 PM Jan 02 2008 |