This needs a lot of work. I'll give you a few suggestions & then you do a re-write. Then after that I give you other suggestions. You have many mistakes & the story has no real structure. I think this exercise is above your level, but my 1st suggestions will be at your level.
When you get to a higher level, think of this simple rule. A story must have 3 sections: 1 – a start – the intro – to the place & the characters, as well as the main story 2 – a middle – the main reason for the story – the action, the emotion etc 3 – an ending – a conclusion that is good or bad, happy or sad, but something that says this story is over.
Draw up a plan for the story, before you actually write the story.
— Ok – your level. As you write in English, a simple tool is a spell-checker. Another simple tool is a reference – loads of books – see how the published authors lay out a page. Keep to the same font & size & colour. It looks messy, as a story, to read with your way. Think of the reader.
Ok – that was just for format. Your grammar needs work, but your teacher will continue with that.
"Something vital is missing here" This refers to descriptions of the scene, the characters & even the introduction of a new character. For instance – "One day Buck was sick" – who was Buck? There was no understanding who or what he was. This should have been mentioned as soon as Buck was introduced. What is his relationship to the story? You cannot just jump straight in.
As I said, this is only the start of helping you. It has to be done in stages, for you to learn & understand fully. I hope you can appreciate that.
Good luck :-)
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