Lesson
Let's talk about business etiquette. Here's one very interesting topic.
Key Vocabulary:
snog
lash-out in self defense
crippling
Normandy
Continental kiss
The urge to snog is essentially a cultural one rather than something distinctly feminine or distinctly anything else: French kiss at work? Never!
Call centre operatives in Calcutta dealing with British credit card queries, the omnipresence of Enrique Iglesias - globalisation has a lot to answer for. Perhaps the most troublesome side effect of globalisation has been mass confusion over the role of the kiss in business. There used to be a time when a handshake was the only physical contact between colleagues of the opposite sex. Come to think of it, there was a time, in parts of the UK, when a handshake was the only physical contact between spouses. But nowadays a work social is just as likely to begin or conclude with a kiss on the cheek, a handshake and a kiss on the cheek, or an air kiss accompanied with a "mwah". Recently, to the visible horror of the recipient I even witnessed someone end a business lunch by kissing the hand of a female client.
Indeed, the only certainty is that there is no certainty. If what I have observed is anything to go by, at the crucial moment people everywhere are floundering around, jerking their heads indecisively, and, when the kiss is planted, are unable to decide whether to look pleased or lash out in self-defence. Some may attribute the increase in, and confusion over, social kissing to the rising influence of the media industry, for instance, where air-kissing is the norm, or the emotionalising of business.
Nowadays it's not enough just to be in business - we have to show passion, too. I have just read a piece from the 1980s that put the blame for the arrival of "the corporate kiss" firmly at the feet of the increasing number of women in the workplace.
However, I think globalisation is a significant factor for two reasons: my most awkward social kisses have been with people from different countries and research suggests that the urge to snog is essentially a cultural one rather than something distinctly feminine or distinctly anything else. In some countries it is considered a no-no even between couples. Given how many national cultures many of us cross at work, it's surprising the confusion isn't more crippling. It's almost impossible to keep track of what is expected by whom. In Normandy the norm is four kisses (two on each side). Other continentals kiss three times. In parts of Russia men apparently have no problem kissing each other on the lips.
So what is to be done? The consensus among experts in business etiquette seems to be: don't kiss. But I find it hard to be so definite. Having been raised by Punjabis in the West Midlands, where any physical contact that doesn't cause bleeding or bruising is considered unnecessary, a large part of me thinks a hello and a handshake between colleagues is enough. At the same time, the Punjabi in me (while not keen snoggers, they are extremely fond of the suffocating hug) combined with my profession and a certain amount of neediness makes me think there's nothing wrong with physical displays of affection.
I think the social kissing of colleagues is OK. A kiss at the end of a dinner party can mean: hey, we're mates; this isn't 100 per cent business. However, it is worth remembering a few rules. First, to minimise the risk of lawsuits and the clashing of heads, it is prudent for the man to allow the lady to lead in kissing. Second, if you are surprised by a kiss, try not to look like a snakebite victim having a seizure. Third, no tongues: ever. Fourth, kissing colleagues when you enter and leave the office is excessive. You'll never get any work done. And finally, never ever kiss someone's hand in greeting: it will only single you out as a total and utter weirdo.
